My Miscarriage Story: The Storm

my miscarriage storyMy Miscarriage Story: The Storm of 2013

Trigger warning: October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month and is a time that I always think about my baby that I never knew. This post contains a potentially graphic experience, do not read if you are sensitive to infant loss.  My miscarriage story.

Miscarriages are rarely explored and a sore subject to say the least. It’s painful to talk about and the feelings associated with having a miscarriage bare great weight on mothers-to-be. The feelings of guilt, grief, sorrow, anger, sadness can hit all at once making it difficult to cope. So, many just don’t talk about it. Many just don’t know what to say. In this post, I’ll be sharing my personal story and how you can cope after losing a baby.

My Miscarriage Story

I stumbled upon a piece that I wrote on my personal Facebook page 3 years ago about everything that surrounded the day that I miscarried with my second pregnancy. It brought a great deal of relief to write about it. I always get a little emotional thinking about what could have been. I feel the need to share this with you all so that if perhaps any of you are going through the same thing or have gone through the same thing, you might find comfort in knowing that you are not alone in your feelings of sorrow or grief. And perhaps I can help you in coping with your experience.

November 5th 2013,

 I feel that this is important to share, as others’ stories have helped me.

The day I found out I was pregnant, I wasn’t excited. My first thought was “oh crap”. It was totally unplanned and I didn’t feel ready, neither financially nor emotionally. There were a lot of stressors about to come and I wasn’t ready. But after a while I realized no one is ever ready, I became happy. Happy that Dominic would have a baby brother or sister to play with and that God had blessed me with the ability to have another child.

I became excited. After I confirmed with my PCP that I was pregnant, I told everyone. Something I didn’t do with my first pregnancy; I waited until it was real and everything was ok. Not this time, I was too excited and I knew nothing would go wrong.

I was experiencing nausea, bloating and brown spotting (normal s/sx of early pregnancy). I went for my first appointment. There was no heartbeat with the external doppler. I thought, this is okay, its early. They decided to use the internal doppler right then. There was only a sac and according to my measurements of the uterus and the sac, I was showing 4 weeks along. I was told to come back in 2 weeks for another internal doppler exam. I knew I was early… but something inside me felt worried.

My second US showed some growth. According to my measurements, I was 6 weeks along. That’s good right? But still no heartbeat, nor fetal movement. She  {the NP} told me that I had a fetal pole. After researching, the fetal pole would eventually become the fetus. I was scared. It could go both ways. She told me I could have what’s called blighted ovum, a condition in which the sac is formed but no fetus is developed. Or I could just be a lot earlier than what is expected. I liked the second answer. I was to come back in one week. I went home unsure, in limbo, not knowing if everything is just fine or if everything is going to go horribly wrong.

I worked overtime that week. My last day was Saturday night. Before I left for work, I noticed my brown spotting turned to light red. I thought to myself, no, no, no! I reminded myself that I had light menstrual cycles for 4 months with my first pregnancy. It was going to be okay. I worked my last shift anyway. Nothing went wrong all night, until I gave report. During report, I noticed some wetness through my pants. I tried to hurry and rush report. I went to the restroom and noticed my underpants were soaked in blood. I  had passed a huge clot. This can’t be happening! Luckily I work at a hospital so I walked to the ED. I checked myself in and called my fiance, crying. I knew what was going to happen. I could feel the blood trickling down my leg. There was way too much blood. I was a wreck. My dad stayed home to watch my son, while my fiance and my mom rushed to my side.

After a long wait, I was called in. Blood work was done, as well as a pelvic exam, and an ultrasound. My HCG levels dropped from 26000 to 4000, nothing was shown in the US, and my pelvic exam presented with my cervical os dilated to 1 centimeter. I had just lost my baby. I was heartbroken. But I was also relieved and then I felt guilty about being relieved. I blamed myself, even though I knew it wasn’t my fault. I felt sad. Empty. Insecure. I couldn’t do what a woman is supposed to do. Will I ever be able to any more children?

But now, I had to focus on myself. The bleeding never stopped. In fact, it kept getting worse. I kept passing clots and they were getting larger. Gladly, my blood levels were stable. It was best to do a D&C so that I wouldn’t hemorrhage. That’s what I chose to do. It went smooth. They used a suction and scraped the rest out. I recovered from my spinal and I was discharged home at 11pm. The bleeding was a bare minimum. It was over. No baby. I felt flat, no emotion. But it’s over.

Now, I will attempt to move on. But I will always remember this baby I never had. Although I never had an official due date, I will always think of him or her on his or her birthday. Even though I never knew if there even was a baby, I will still grieve. I feel lucky that I never heard the heartbeat. I never had a chance to bond. Maybe it’ll be easier to move on. Although it still hurts, I am very thankful for the support of my family and friends to lend a hand or some encouraging words. I pray to God and thank Him for the healthy, strong, lovable child I have at home. I thank Him for everything that I already have. And I pray to Him for giving me strength to move on.

I love you baby I never knew. Until we meet again.

Mommy

my miscarriage story

Ways to heal after a miscarriage

First and foremost, know that you are not alone. Miscarriages occur in about 10-15 out of 100 births. I didn’t realize how often they happen. While saddening that statistic may be, it did make me feel better knowing that I was not the only one going through it. I know that it can definitely feel that way.

It helps to talk about it. I wrote about my experience in a note on my personal Facebook page. The amount of personal messages I received from those offering their condolences and their own experiences was of great solace to me. The support I recieved from family, friends and even strangers helped me so much in coping with the loss. Write about it in a journal or publish an article if you wish.

Join Facebook support groups as ways to look for support. Social media can a lot to offer these days. There are support groups for almost anything now. Miscarriage support is definitely something to look into.

Turn to God. I prayed and prayed and thanked Him for everything I have. I prayed for strength, for coping, and for healing in myself and my husband. I put my healing unto Him and trusted Him that everything would be okay.

Know when to seek professional help. Loss of appetite, loss of concentration, anger, no motivation, and even depression can occur in some people experiencing grief. If any of these symptoms are preventing you from continuing your everyday life, or from taking care of your family, then it may be time to seek professional help.

My miscarriage story and my healing

To this day, there are countless times I think about my unborn child. The day I lost him (November 4), his due date (May), October (Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month), and Mother’s Day. Not to mention, I ALWAYS cry when I see movies that involve miscarriages like What to Expect when You’re Expecting and Marley and Me, and Up.

Have you experienced a miscarriage? Do you know someone that has? What other ways have you dealt with or helped someone heal from suffering a miscarriage?

You may also like

12 Comments

    1. Thank you for your kind words. It’s a tough experience to go through and the feelings I felt were worrisome. Knowing that I was not alone in my feelings helped me deal and cope with the loss and I hope to do the same for other mothers who may go through it.

      1. Oh mama, I’m aching for you now. I cannot imagine a stillborn but you went through it back to back. I wish you all the best in a full term pregnancy and healthy baby in the future if that’s what you desire. May your little baby angels watch over you and bless you, until you meet again.

  1. Thank you for sharing. Hearing other’s stories will help other women feel less alone in their pain. Maybe I will have the courage to tell my story one day too. I know you are helping someone who is going through this.

    1. Thank you for commenting Lacy. I knew that as soon as I clicked “publish”, a weight lifted off of my shoulders. I’m sorry you had to go through what you did as well.

    1. Thank you! It’s so important for me to let things out and openly talk about things. Keeping your feelings bottled up can result in some prolonged and painful experiences. I understand some women are very private and that’s okay too.

  2. Thank you for sharing your story, my heart truly aches for you and I had tears in my eyes reading this. I feel like you wrote this with such grace even though it was such a hard thing to experience.

    1. Aww, thank you Ashley. It was a rough experience and I cannot imagine women who have gone on to labor stillborn babies. Those stories tear me apart. It has gotten much easier over time but the thought of possibly losing this current baby (35weeks) still lingers in the back of my head.

    1. Thank you! It really was a weight off my shoulders when I posted. Holding it in seemed to carry such a burden. I hope others can feel better about talking about it.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *